We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are

Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed,

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

How Serious Are They?

The Tribune reported on Sunday that 500 people took part in one of 1300 Rally’s for Green Living on Saturday calling for our government to cut CO2 emissions in the US 80% by 2050.

I’m not going to get into the “science” of Global Warming or the fact that Carbon Dioxide is not the most prevalent “greenhouse gas” in the atmosphere (water vapor is, but Americans don’t produce water vapor, do we?), instead I want to focus on those things we can do to eliminate much of the non-essential CO2 currently being produced.

Unless you’ve recently graduated from a public school, you probably know that CO2 is expelled every time a human (or any mammal for that matter) exhales. Therefore, we must seek to eliminate all nonessential breaths.

Let’s start with the prison system. Every prisoner on death row who has spent at least 2 appeals should immediately have his sentence carried out, preferably by suffocation, no sense letting their last dying breath raise the sea levels by a quarter of an inch.

After those on death row, we need to do the same with those prisoners who were given life sentences because the state they were tried in doesn’t have the death penalty, these people are not making any positive contribution to our world that would offset the amount of global warming that they are producing.

After that we should look at people who have been sentenced to prison for a third time, they are obviously determined to maintain an unproductive lifestyle and their CO2 emissions should be reserved for those who will contribute to the greater good.

All families should be limited to two children. Since men are so hard to track, the onus would be upon women, any third pregnancy would be terminated immediately and a fourth pregnancy would not only result in termination, but surgical removal of the uterus.

All homes for these families of 4 should be limited to 2000 square feet. Anyone living in a house larger than that would be required to either tear it down or bring in additional families to share the heat and light at a rate of 1 family of 4 for every 2000 square feet of living space. The mansion owners could charge rent if they so wished but would have to pay an excess energy tax of $100,000 per day for every day the living space is not filled. This would also go for any vacation homes located in the U.S.

The government should also ban all non-commercial flights in the US. Donald Trump does not need a big airliner to fly 4 people around and he can certainly afford first class tickets.

All new homes built should, besides being limited to 2000 square feet, be mandated to have solar-panel shingles for producing hot water and a wind turbine for producing electricity. All gas appliances should be outlawed and a tax write-off should be allowed for current homeowners who wish to convert their homes into “green homes”.

We should immediately build nuclear power plants to supplement our electricity on days that are cloudy and calm.

All coal should be diverted to liquefaction plants to be made into clean burning Diesel fuel and only diesel and electric cars should be allowed on the road.

All exercise should be banned and gym facilities closed down. Exercise increases oxygen intake which of course increases CO2 emissions. Anyone caught running riding a bike or even walking fast should be fined $1000 for every violation. Obviously all professional sports except golf and bowling would also be banned.

Finally, all non-commercial livestock should be killed. Polar Bears and baby seals are nice to look at, but serve no purpose and bring us closer to the brink of disaster with every breath, if we can’t eat them, shoot them.

Does all this sound a bit extreme? One might say yes, but is it any more extreme than a government forcing us to buy mercury-filled light bulbs from China? Is it any more extreme than mandating that inefficient ethanol made only from corn is used in the US as a fuel substitute? Is it any more extreme than moving our clocks backward and forward every year to conserve energy?

Is it any more ridiculous than believing that man, not the sun, not volcanic activity occurring beneath the ocean floor, not the natural cycles of heating and cooling of the earth’s atmosphere that has taken place for millions of years, actually has any impact at all on today’s forecast?

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